I am no expert at how days should be spent to attest to a fulfilling life. But as I sit here in front of my laptop with one too many documents opened to finish everything I need and desire to, I wonder greatly if I have had enough trials to last me a lifetime of lessons and say ultimately that I have such.
I have always thought I’m blessed with many great things. Looking back, I cannot say I have been wrong about that, yet what I CAN say is that I am more endowed with moments I will remember for what remains of my days – good or bad. I have had my fair share of the world’s drama and I have had my greatest instants of laughter. And the best of it all, I guess, is the fact that my twenty-eight years, no matter the mistakes and the downfalls, can never be a waste.
For there have been times when I cried myself to sleep, yet there have been moments as well when I cried as I could not catch a breath to break my laugh. There have been moments in my life when I could run, but I chose to walk as it gave my journey an extra mile to cherish. There have been moments when regrets took over my will to look ahead. There have been moments when I did nothing in a day but wish for what-use-to-be’s and what-could-have-been’s. There have been many moments; each for a special purpose and each for a special memory. And I hold on to them as they are none but delicate pieces of who I am, who I have become and who I can still be.
Of the many lessons learned the past years, there is one which will hold that special place where my youth had been. And as I wish each passing day that others do not fall upon its traps, I crave so much for another chance to do it right.
People say love fades, and I guess everyone knows it. To stay within any relationship, you simply have to decide whether you can and will stand to be with each other for long, or whether there is something left to fight for and hold on to. Like, when lovemaking becomes a figment of your most cherished memories or kisses become nothing but greetings meant to make you smile. You get older or more matured, and you simply become accustomed to just talking about recollections and books and movies, or you travel to places you have never been to. And you argue about the silliest things you know and you laugh after that. And everything is fine because you are there and so is he… nothing else matters and nothing ever will.
Not many people know what’s running about my head, let alone what’s in my heart. But as I stand proud of what I have come to accomplish through another person’s eyes – a persona I wish the world to know and be inspired by – I tell myself that people wear masks and that I should wear mine well in order to keep moving. And that since I still believe that people choose the masks that fit them the most, I must choose one I believe my first name will so gallantly declare. For as I keep and rebuild what’s inside me, I know I can still bare my heart for it to heal and share my world for it to flourish.
Twenty-eight years now passes me by and I sit right here in front of my laptop, wondering if I have had enough lessons that will tell me I have a fulfilling life. Now, I know the answer is no, and perhaps it will always remain to be. For one can never learn enough and one can never stop trying to fulfil his destiny to say he has lived.
And I? I will remain to be in search of the life I have come to realize I desire… through the eyes of a man I never thought would suddenly pass my way.