I panic a lot. I guess that is the whole reason I can’t hold my emotions firmly or I can’t drive at all, even when I actually know how to. This week, I panicked twice as much as I normally do, and I guess that is the whole reason I feel so burnt out tonight. Another reason is that I feel like the week’s been a roller coaster ride. I cried a lot and I laughed a lot.
Sometimes, I feel like I am trying too hard to participate in the world. It has become my way of coping with what is going on in my life. And as I think about it, I realized a lot of things from that are just so wrong.
So… I cried a lot because I suddenly realized I was feeling something I wasn’t supposed to and keeping it to myself – especially since it’s the right thing to do – takes just about every ounce of strength and right-mind that I had. I laughed a lot because beyond all those, I still feel that life is great and that life is giving me that bright light to run to. My dreams are coming to life… beyond all these.
It is amazing how the world works, and perhaps how fate plays you for a fool. No offense in that; I meant no disrespect. I simply want to emphasize that there are times when you decide for yourself that being a fool is okay because it plays its role in giving you a purpose. Because then, when you accept that you are a fool about a lot of things, you realize that you want to learn more and that you are ready to change.
Incidentally, I had a 4-shot coffee, venti size, this afternoon. And because of that, I feel like even when I want to sleep everything off – especially this week’s stress – and wake up only at ten in the morning tomorrow, I wouldn’t be able to.
And I think that much caffeine messed up my train of thoughts.