It has something to do perhaps with the fact that my life has drastically changed before 2014 came.
Not many of my friends know what I am currently going through, and I doubt it if more than half of those I really consider to be friends will even care if I shared. After all, no one will know what to say to someone whose marriage has actually fallen apart. Sure, many will offer their shoulders – just as many have already done through private messages in Facebook, in response to my rants – but not many will be able to do away with cliches and offer the right words. It is the way of the world, and I see it to be just fair.
A friend of mine once said to me that falling in love is like filling a glass with water. Anything poured into the glass is yours to keep and anything spilling out is for the man you choose to share your life with. That has always been my problem and I am not afraid to admit it. If there are people in this world who believe that life is about sharing, and then sharing some more so their whole world lights up, then I am one of them. I am one of those who eagerly think that I love myself more if I share my life with a few people I choose to and a man who can make me happy. So I always end up having nothing left as soon as the people I share it with leave me hanging. It is – again – perhaps the way of the world, and I barely see it to be fair.
As soon as 2014 came, I knew right away that my life would never be the same. I chose it that way. No. Let me rephrase that. I battled it to be that way, in my efforts to see the world differently and to change the way I am. And somehow, though I am in pain because of it, I am getting stronger.
I feel like I am meeting someone else in me.
I finally found myself running again. Sure, I wasn’t always the finisher when I was younger, and I ran only when I felt like it. But this time, I finally found myself looking forward to it. For each night, when I take rounds, circling Maria Christina Park with strangers, I find myself thinking of things I know I never will if I am not feeling the cold breeze in my hair, cement on my barefoot-style running shoes, the loud thudding of my heart which tells me to go on further – live some more and love some more. Sometimes, I smile, even when my heart breaks, and I tell myself, “by damn, I sure will.”
I have been having coffee with different people lately and I could attest to that one cliche I always hear whenever cups are shared – coffee brings two people together.
So yesterday, I went to Starbucks, ordered myself a cup – a flavor I haven’t tried before – and sat alone working on my laptop in one corner. I wanted to see what it would bring me, or if it ever would bring me something when I was alone. And it was a joy to know that it brought me myself. It gave me that sense that I could enjoy a day or two, or perhaps more, just being in the middle of a crazy world – undisturbed, unharmed (as you know, I am a home-buddy). It gave me the feeling that I could have some more and that I would try out some others. The same would be true to my life, I promised.
The same would hold true to falling in love again, I guessed. So of the many people/friends I have shared coffee with the past weeks, was there ever someone who stood out? Yeah. And I think about him often. I wonder. Nothing romantic, I believe.
At least for now, I guess I will have to enjoy trying out new things for myself and myself alone, but never forgetting that everything comes right back to where it begins – a cup of coffee in my hand and the new me.