I kinda remember one moment in my life when I swore I would always remain true to myself and to what I feel. I believe I live by that promise and it has become my mantra ever since.
There is nothing wrong with keeping true to what you think you feel is right or what you think would make you feel a little more happy than usual. Then again, when you make a major mistake, which you certainly cannot get away from without trying to ruin yourself or dooming the world, you end up thinking you should have been like a lot of people you know – cheat yourself and get on with life, even when you feel so empty.
By the second half 2013, I met a lot of people who changed my life in ways I never expected. Of them all, there have been quite a few whom I seriously loved talking to and sharing a part of me with. I enjoy their company and for once in my life, I suddenly feel like I am beginning to understand life… my life, at least. With this sudden change of pace, I feel like I am in search for a part of myself, and I wonder if I will ever live long enough (and I don’t just mean my worldly life) to see it found.
A friend of mine once said to me that since I have found myself at a dead end, I should stop staring at it, turn around and walk back to where my life could begin again. With a few drunken nights, a lot of tears shed, I think I slowly have done it successfully. Now, all I have to do is find the right way so I don’t end up journeying a million miles, only to find myself staring at that dead end again.
I seriously need to wake up. Maybe I have been dreaming about my feelings for such a long time now that I forget about things that really matter to me. I need my life back. I need myself back. And when it’s whole – when I am whole – I wonder if someone will be there at the end of the road, waiting…