I have always written you letters that are not made to be sent. But now it seems that this one is meant to be given to you.
As you read it, word by word, line by line, I shall be on my way to convincing myself another chapter in my book has already found its end; that my dream has long been over, though I find it hard to accept.
I’ve had sleepless nights like this before. And I know they’re all for one purpose – to think about my life and what has become of me the moment I learned I had to grow up. Tonight, it is different. As I stay awake through these cold hours of dawn, I fight to see the break of day. I fight to see a real life changed in words I have longed to say.
I do not know where to start and if I should. But it has to be of your knowledge from now on that as everything seemed so perfect in my life, I have this one thing left for me to regret.
I always knew you would guess what it was, or shall I say who it was. It is, however, a sad thing to admit there are things better left unsaid in this world. Maybe that was why we never came to any sound conclusion before. I was always quiet about things that mattered. I do regret the fact that for the past two years I have loved you more dearly than I had anyone else and I never said anything about it. For the past two years, it was you I had thought of before I went to bed.
As I speak now with you of being free, I mean to ask you a favor.
The favor I wish you would do for me is not an easy one – on my part and perhaps not yours. I wish you to forget me – my face, my smile, my voice, and my name. I wish you to think of your past as one which does not have any place for me. That when you think of all the places you’ve been to and all the women you have gloriously shared bed with, there would not even be a single trace of my existence. For when it is done shall I have the choice to say I only dreamt a long and sad dream. That when I wake up, I shall have the life everyone dictates of me and take it as if it is my own and my choice.
I ask of this for one and only one reason – of my realization that there shall be no place for me or for you in one story in the future. Soon enough you will find that one person you seek and choose. As the same, I shall be where my destiny takes me.
And perhaps that is the reason we never came to be in the first place. I believed in destiny; that if you were the one, even when I did not do anything to hold you tight you would still be with me. You believed otherwise; that when you were waiting for someone to care for you, you believed in nothing else but the choices every girl around you was willing to make. And that made all the difference.
I love you, I always had and I always will. But as the world turns, it becomes even more apparent that the distance between us grows larger and larger. With that I take there shall be nothing more left for me to cherish and fight for.
I have always thought I was the one who can love you and care for you the way you wanted to be loved and cared for. I always thought I was the one who can understand every inch of your life. It turned out, you could not even consider me because you’ve always been blinded about our friendship.
Friendship. Everyone was right about what ours really was. I was just too scared to admit I knew deep inside of me that it was a lousy cover for all the pain I was burdened. It was a lame excuse for a life – hoping you would soon realize you have in front of you the answer to all the prayers you utter at night.
Then again it all clashed into my face – it turned out the answer wasn’t me, not even close. It was someone from within my class, or someone right at the next building, or someone I had brushed shoulders with at the crowded mall. It turned out I could never really be that one person to stand out from the rest of them; for even as I try, you were not ready to accept me.
Do you know that I kept that very first thing you bought for me? It was so stupid. I kept the label of the bottled water you handed me right before you sat beside her for the start of a movie. Was it The National Treasure? I barely remember. Do you also know that I kept your shell necklace and wooden bracelet? Oh do I smell them each time I want to remember what it felt like to be in your arms. I still smell, until now, your Benetton cologne. Each time I do that, a tear falls from my eyes.
But you do not need to know that now, do you? You always told me you have a lot in your mind, which a young girl like me should know nothing about.
I used to always tell myself I have to grow old with you; I have to be with you for the rest of my life whatever it may cost, whatever the world judges me to be. But it has been over two years and I am running tired of waiting and hoping for that one special thing I wish to have even in my dreams. And that is you telling me you love me and want me and care for me and maybe that you desire to be with me.
That dream is long gone now. I learned I had to wake up. I learned I was no longer a part of a love story. I was no longer Zoey and you were no longer Scott for the longest time I had been blind.
So with this I end. As the words continue to run out of my heart, so will the memory of you and your voice, your lips, your smile, your eyes, your touch, your name. In the next days, I will know I have just woken up from a dream and that it is again time to live the life I am offered right now. It is time again to journey the path I am destined to take.
As you end your reading, I know I shall be crying and wishing I have never given you this. But the world shall never turn right if I do not. I have endured over 600 days of tears; I can endure more just to see us both with a life.
But to be fair with my love for you and my hopes that I shall have you in the next, I shall make the wish of crossing paths with you again in the years to come. Not now, not soon. Maybe when all these become nothing but a mere memory of how one great love never had the chance. Maybe by then, I could see you in that one special place and one right time – ever-waiting, ever-handsome. Maybe by then I could meet you – and start all over again.
October 06, 2008 01:57AM